rjtremor: (RJ by Vince!)
[personal profile] rjtremor
So, 1 hour officially according to EST, it'll be 2016, and here I am with my mind trying to put together a proper nutshell about what's happened since my last journal entry near the end of 2014. I'm not sure where to start because 2015 has been nothing short of an absolute disaster that's left me and the family a mess. I guess the reason for that is the best place to start from and work from there.

In the previous journal I mentioned how I aborted moving because my dad's health began taking a turn and I realized I simply couldn't leave with things as they were. Well, things continued from there. He lost his mobility more and more thanks to swollen legs and a blood clot that put him in the hospital. As time went on, he would eat less, became bedbound, both me and mom had to do a lot to help him with his declining quality of life, and in the end, on May 11th, he died, leaving me and mom to deal with things in life. We went up to MI in June/July to have a memorial for him, came back home, continued what we'd started before the trip and prepped the house to sell. Officially as of late last month/this month(December), family is going to buy the house from us, having liked what they've seen over the years, and because of that, me and mom made a trip up north to house hunt. All it took was the first house, a perfectly convenient open house that we caught at the end. We're slated to move near the end of February. In the midst of all of this, my car decided to start having issues, mainly with the gauges deciding to stop working to start. Other things came up after that, so now I'm waiting to see if it can be fixed, or else it needs to be sold. I would rather not do the latter, of course, but... *Shrugs*

I'll say this... there have been some wonderful bright spots that have saved this year from being a complete disaster, and one of the most important and best is a bear some of you might know by the name of Westhoff, he's been an utter sweetheart and done his best to give me some positives to cling to this year, the foremost being that he came to visit just after we got back from our memorial trip up north. Food, Jurassic World, Batman, lots of cuddling and talk and other things one does with a wonderful bear were done. For 3 days out of 365, I had a dear friend in town and I wasn't alone. I haven't been able to do anything else, either before or after, other than just deal with life as it is. If you want to understand lonesomeness, think of living 362 days out of 365 with some form of disappointment, sadness, despair, or anger. Before dad passed, there was an element of me simply being able to block out the world and hide my emotions from the pain, but there comes a point where you simply can't do that anymore. Going into 2016, I know one simple fact - I can't live this life anymore. I want to get a job callback, I want to be able to travel again, I want to be able to smile and look forward to the day when I wake up. When you're there and witness a loved one pass on after days and weeks and months of them slowly deteriorating before your eyes, you eventually realize something's changed inside of you and there's nothing that can be done to make it better. It can be numbed, hedged and dressed, obscured and ignored to some degree, but it never truly gets better. Even the holidays didn't feel very good. I got tons of birthday wishes but no cards from family in the mail, mom let me buy gifts for myself because Newegg gave me the means to collect the last parts I needed for a new system, now if I could just motivate to put it together. Still, those three days in July mean so much to me because I wasn't physically alone, I had someone precious to me in arm's reach.

20 minutes to go. I have Tomorrow's Harvest playing, and I have tears in my eyes. I'm tired, I'm miserable. I'm reminded of one person in the world I know who would delight in these things quite possibly. I wonder if this is just how life is meant to be, I wonder what I did to deserve this. Lots of nonsense thoughts.

And now it's just around 10 minutes. I'm going to watch this and post links up so you can read this. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=90LJ85ri2pg

Happy New Years.
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