rjtremor: (RJ by Vince!)

Comment to be added. =o) Comments themselves are screened. Most people who add me get added back, though if you aren't known by other friends of mine, I might be kinda hesitant.

Note : *Smiles* No one's getting kicked off my friends list, so no worries. =o) This is for other people wanting to read my journal. Of course, I may add back or I may not. It depends. *Hugs* Everyone I've got on my list is because I want you there, because I want to know you, and have you be party to my life. My friends matter to me, no matter what. I couldn't be me without you.

Edit: 3/8/06 : Changing some things around on the entry, here and there, and adding a note. I've decided to make it a policy that if you take me off of your friends list, you most likely will end up deleted off of mine as well. There are going to be one or two exceptions to the rule, but generally, that is as it will be. If you add me back, I'll find out, and then I'll add you back myself. If you deleted me off and then I did the same to you, but you'd like to talk to me about the circumstances, leave me a message on here. There's a good chance I'll get back to you on it.
rjtremor: (RJ by Vince!)
So, 1 hour officially according to EST, it'll be 2016, and here I am with my mind trying to put together a proper nutshell about what's happened since my last journal entry near the end of 2014. I'm not sure where to start because 2015 has been nothing short of an absolute disaster that's left me and the family a mess. I guess the reason for that is the best place to start from and work from there.

In the previous journal I mentioned how I aborted moving because my dad's health began taking a turn and I realized I simply couldn't leave with things as they were. Well, things continued from there. He lost his mobility more and more thanks to swollen legs and a blood clot that put him in the hospital. As time went on, he would eat less, became bedbound, both me and mom had to do a lot to help him with his declining quality of life, and in the end, on May 11th, he died, leaving me and mom to deal with things in life. We went up to MI in June/July to have a memorial for him, came back home, continued what we'd started before the trip and prepped the house to sell. Officially as of late last month/this month(December), family is going to buy the house from us, having liked what they've seen over the years, and because of that, me and mom made a trip up north to house hunt. All it took was the first house, a perfectly convenient open house that we caught at the end. We're slated to move near the end of February. In the midst of all of this, my car decided to start having issues, mainly with the gauges deciding to stop working to start. Other things came up after that, so now I'm waiting to see if it can be fixed, or else it needs to be sold. I would rather not do the latter, of course, but... *Shrugs*

I'll say this... there have been some wonderful bright spots that have saved this year from being a complete disaster, and one of the most important and best is a bear some of you might know by the name of Westhoff, he's been an utter sweetheart and done his best to give me some positives to cling to this year, the foremost being that he came to visit just after we got back from our memorial trip up north. Food, Jurassic World, Batman, lots of cuddling and talk and other things one does with a wonderful bear were done. For 3 days out of 365, I had a dear friend in town and I wasn't alone. I haven't been able to do anything else, either before or after, other than just deal with life as it is. If you want to understand lonesomeness, think of living 362 days out of 365 with some form of disappointment, sadness, despair, or anger. Before dad passed, there was an element of me simply being able to block out the world and hide my emotions from the pain, but there comes a point where you simply can't do that anymore. Going into 2016, I know one simple fact - I can't live this life anymore. I want to get a job callback, I want to be able to travel again, I want to be able to smile and look forward to the day when I wake up. When you're there and witness a loved one pass on after days and weeks and months of them slowly deteriorating before your eyes, you eventually realize something's changed inside of you and there's nothing that can be done to make it better. It can be numbed, hedged and dressed, obscured and ignored to some degree, but it never truly gets better. Even the holidays didn't feel very good. I got tons of birthday wishes but no cards from family in the mail, mom let me buy gifts for myself because Newegg gave me the means to collect the last parts I needed for a new system, now if I could just motivate to put it together. Still, those three days in July mean so much to me because I wasn't physically alone, I had someone precious to me in arm's reach.

20 minutes to go. I have Tomorrow's Harvest playing, and I have tears in my eyes. I'm tired, I'm miserable. I'm reminded of one person in the world I know who would delight in these things quite possibly. I wonder if this is just how life is meant to be, I wonder what I did to deserve this. Lots of nonsense thoughts.

And now it's just around 10 minutes. I'm going to watch this and post links up so you can read this. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=90LJ85ri2pg

Happy New Years.

Oh, and...

Oct. 24th, 2014 03:58 am
rjtremor: (Default)

... If you didn't know, LJ finally has a decently good Android client out there, and that's where I'm writing this from, while waiting for a Heroes queue to pop. And speak of the devil, off we go!

rjtremor: (RJ by Vince!)
So, I said I'd go into what's been going on as of late, the fun part is just figuring out where to start. This'll be the most comprehensive as I haven't used anything like LJ in ages, nor do I really use FA for such things either, but since folks follow me here in a decent amount, this is probably the easiest to do. I may crosspost it to LJ later on, we'll see.

So, lessee, some backstory for the last couple of years. Ever since my last attempted move, I've essentially been unemployed, having had no local job luck, and the main reasons I didn't move and haven't yet are mom and dad, particularly their health issues and my own lack of desire to deal with the drama of telling them I'm moving and all. It tends to end up being an explosion of emotion and lots of loud voices and what have you. These last couple of years have centered more on the former with the latter mixed in for good measure, but in general, this is how it's been, though I've had a lot of thoughts helping to push all of that aside. Back in the summer of 2012, I took a month's trip up north to Wisconsin, had an absolutely wonderful time that had the purpose of me learning about the area there and getting a feel of if I wanted to move there or not. The answer was an overwhelming yes, but of course I've had a few personal requirements before going, one being the desire to have a job for awhile and save money. That hasn't happened, so in the time between then and now, I've done a little mental prepping with the folks, especially mom as she's been the more reasonable of the two with the thoughts. There have been a few sacrifices I've made along the way that involve choices I could have made that involved moving out with a job even waiting for me.

Fast forward to this summer, particularly August 3rd. I had already been dealing with a mood crash the night before, a lot of frustration over things as they were, a feeling reinforced by dad when we had a small back and forth about things and how I've felt for awhile now. Got up that day, started watching the Indycar race on TV, started fiddling around with my computer. It was an older system of sorts, used for the most part of the last 4 or so years, was sent to me by guildies in WoW after problems came up in my previous system. I had been feeling kinda concerned about it because of how it'd been acting off and on for awhile, so I'd already been getting some hand-me-down parts from friends in prep for making a better system, all while having another system in the other room that, for some reason, did not want to post. I had built it on my trip back in 2012, used it for about 6 months, shut it down to do a monitor swap, refused to post for me afterward. Anyway, poked at my system, started doing things on it, and then things froze and the CPU fan went into high RPMs. Hard shutdown, restart, works fine for about 10-15 minutes, does it again, over and over again, 'til it won't even go through start-up before freezing. I snapped internally and decided I just couldn't take life's status quo anymore. I stated my intent to move(with a little encouragement) and began prepping for it. Mom was on my side, and dad had been less emotional on his pushing to stop me. He threw his hints and suggestions to try to get me to stay, no matter how illogical they were for me. I set a date for myself, by the end of September. Packing was going great, things were feeling pretty positive, especially as I was able to get back on my other system again. I took it to a local repair shop to get the PSU checked, it posted for him and started up just fine after I got home. Life was actually seeming to work for me again.

You know how it is when life's apparently going smoothly.

About almost halfway through September, dad started becoming a factor in everything, in the case of his cancer he's dealt with for years beginning to throw complications around. Come to find out, the cancer had spread to his bones about 4 years previously, and I was never told about it because mom figured I'd put the pieces together when he had to start doing radiation therapy and such, said cancer being the reason he was having trouble moving around more and more these days rather than the shingles he had that I assumed caused some nerve damage and the like. The reason I found out is because they were going to start putting him on a new treatment that looked/looks promising. I started considering my choice and putting it off 'til spring as mom was also dealing with her own moving thoughts. She wants to go back to Michigan, to the family, something I've been in full support of and desire of for years. And then he started having falls and mental issues. Me and mom did our best to handle the former, but the latter was something we didn't discuss 'til the night we took him to the ER. In the midst of dealing with the falls, my resolve gave in and I knew I wasn't going to be able to leave with him like he was. The night we took him to the ER though, me and mom had a talk about his mental state and realizing that this was just something we couldn't handle, that there was just something really wrong. We resolved to take him in the morning. Mom made a discovery though that changed her mind about waiting. When we got there and when he was situated in the ER room, the picture became crystal clear. He wasn't going, hadn't been for awhile, because, for lack of a better description, his pipes were swollen shut. When they finished draining him, he had had 3 liters of fluid in him, possibly more. He had to stay in the hospital because his kidneys were shut down at the time and he had to recover from high potassium and low sodium, both contributing factors in his mental state(he couldn't remember things he was just told or things he'd done, was an extreme case of dementia one could say). As of now, he's home and still recovering from some aspects, but he's able to move around and such in much better ways than he could before.

Working our way to a happy ending there, right? Nah, something else always has to pop up as well and get mixed in to add insult/injury. In the last instance, it had to do with me particularly.

Back in July, I started having issues with my teeth, one in particular that had been rather angry back in 2010, or so I thought. So for the last few months I'd been dealing with twinges and throbs of pain, nothing too serious, but no less noticeable. Then a few weeks ago, the pain spiked and I started having immense issues. I started looking into options for insurance through with the ACA's help, went to a local dentist, had x-rays done, got on antibiotics, and was told the bad news about what needed to be done and the costs. Monday, I had work done to have my two upper wisdom teeth pulled. Recovery is going well, but it was definitely un-fun the first day or so. The process itself only took 35 minutes, was put under for it. Both teeth were severely rotted and the left was the one causing the main issues. Now it's all just a matter of dealing with my sleep schedule being wonky like it tends to, patiently waiting to be able to drink pop again, and waiting to be able to eat my usual foods. I'm getting better enough to be able to handle the latter, but the former has been bothersome. When I had the procedure done, I hadn't slept for 24 hours, I just couldn't sleep at all. Zzzquill did no good beforehand, and I haven't tried using it since then. I'm sleeping my usual again, early morning to mid-afternoon, hoping to get back to late evening to early-ish morning. Above all, the discomfort I was feeling before is thankfully gone, so yay progress.

With that, there's life as it's been. I know it's technically more than "threes" with things such as cancelling the move mixed in, but I consider it three with the different flashpoints. Currently, I'm mentally exhausted, pushed beyond what I thought my limits were, needing a vacation and wanting some positive to start happening. I tend to think of life as a balance of positive and negative, but the negative side has heavily been in control. Positivity needs to storm in and wrench control away for awhile. Heh. But yeah, there ya go, and kudos to you if you read this wall of text.
rjtremor: (BT's Blue Skies)
And boy there's a lot of folks I see on my list that aren't around anymore, that either deleted their journals or took me off their list. Kinda sad to be sure. But things change, they always do. Heck, I don't even know if anyone will see this post, but hey. Just a shorty for tonight. Gonna clean through my list later with Semagic and such, and then take some time at some point to do the whole long overdue update on life again, not that much has changed there unfortunately. Anyway... be good to yourselves folks.
rjtremor: (BT's Blue Skies)
Yep, I'm actually posting an entry, this is not an illusion. Truth be told, I keep telling myself I need to use it more and I keep saying I will, but yeah, I suck at stuff like that. Either way... I still live, yep, life goes on. So where do I stand in that life right now? Well...

Still no job, though I'm going to check out the career center tomorrow after I go over and take a test to try being in the Census taker armada. It's bad enough in this town though that McDonalds isn't even hiring, nor have they for the past 9 months after I quit to try and move up north(for those who don't know, yeah, I did try and bolt... heck, I started down the road, but was so dang broken up from drama between me and the folks, I just couldn't do it.). The job market here is pretty much non-existent. I've considered the community college on FinAid route lately, would be better than what I do now, which is nothing, but I just don't know what I'd be going after for courses.

Still have not gone anywhere or done anything since MFM '08, nor have I seen anyone(I don't really count the attempted move and seeing RJ Coon and Rollie, t'was not a fun sort of visit after all) since then. I wish I were going to FC, was even offered plane tix by a friend, but with everything going on with my folks, planes being threatened, and the fact I don't want to completely depend on others to pay for hotel space and meals and my con access, etc etc etc, I didn't make plans to go. I should have gotten back with him at least about it, and for that I feel like a dork, but yeah.

My car has been bought by the folks, so they took care of any loan worries I had. Dad insists he's gonna repair the thing and enjoy it a bit, but I'm to the point where I feel it just needs to go. He's not the same as he was 4... 5 years ago, so yeah. Speaking of which...

I've been forced to think about my health a great deal lately, and how my body's feeling. I don't talk about these things with others because I don't wanna get anyone all worried, but I'll admit, I've started having concerns about things like skin cancer and such 'cause of how much I've sunburned in my life. I'd like to get things checked out, but I don't know if a free clinic would do such stuff, and I guess I'm a little doc shy, plus I don't wanna worry the folks more than they already do.

Back at the end of '09, I ended up having both of my computers fizzle on me. One shut off and wouldn't turn back on, the other wasn't happy on start-up, and I ended up imploding myself because I had a lack of money and a lack of knowledge on exactly what to do to fix them, plus any possible fixes I could have tried were self-sabotaged by my lack of confidance. I ended up with a computer from guildies on WoW that actually isn't too bad, but could use some customizing eventually. It's an Inspiron 5150, 2 gigs of ram(DDR2 800s in 533 slots), 160 gig hard drive, but the PSU is only 300w, so I can't use my nice 8800gt video card right now.

I do say there's one positive I can mention tonight though. Tonight on Twitter there was some talk about the new single from a music artist I've come to say is my favorite since I first listened to his stuff so many years ago... BT's newest single's out for his sing "Suddenly", and I noticed the discussion while in the middle of raiding in WoW, yay Icecrown Citadel. I made the comment "Crap, broke and can't buy right now. Me is sad panda. *frown*" only to get a reply and RT from him saying to e-mail his team and he'd buy it for me personally. I'm sure there was a sunrise for a few seconds 'cause I just blushed my face off. I e-mailed, and ended up with it gifted to me from the man, personally. I'm still in shock a little bit, but I guess this is what got me to break the silence, 'cause I wanna pass the word along - go to iTunes or Amazon and buy this single. It's a radio edit, and 5 remixes, 2 particular remixers being Ferry Corsten and rock-techno outfit Celldweller. I do admit the lyrics ring with me a great deal too, heh. And for what it's worth, Youtube came through. If you like it, buy it. The guitar at 2:30 or so is awesome, IMHO.

So yeah, there's my life as it is right now, for the most part. I'm sure I've missed details and whatnot, but this WALL of text should say it for the most part.

I know I lost a couple of friends in '09, along with a lot of other things. "Survival of rhe Fittest" may not be completely true. I'm not the fittest, but I survive, but it's only because I know that God must have some purpose for me and because I know I have friends and people that care about me, really and truly. I know I personally MUST do better for myself in 2010. This is a new decade, along with a new year.

Maybe I'll post more public entries. Who knows. Anyway, love ya all. Like I always say, be good to yerselves.
rjtremor: (RJ by Neverwench)
So 2006 is over and done with in 6.5 hours, central time. Very quick recap.

I aged another year. I got stuck working at McJob again, sadly(but THAT will change soon). I didn't get to go to FC. I didn't get to move to California. I got to know two very good friends in-state who have immensely helped me stave off the isolated lonely feelings whenever possible. I got a 1995 Nissan Maxima. I have a couple new doohickeys in my computer. I have an obscession with World of Warcraft. I went to Furry Weekend Atlanta, Mephit Furmeet, and Midwest Furfest, driving, nary a moment of drama to be had to and from each way. At-con, depends. I definitely got to see lots of friends each time. I had some rough spots with friends and loved ones, but I had other friends and loved ones to help me get through the times and save my butt at least once or twice. Thanks guys.

In the end, things are as they'll be. So far, January is going to be an interesting month to start with, no question. On the plus, I'm going to California for two weeks and going to FC. On the negative side of things, a coon is moving away to Wisconsin for a better life up there. I'll probably be the one going nuts after he's gone, but I know it's in his best interests to get away from this place.

So we end two-thousand-and-six with a mild case of the meh. I won't say the day was a good day, but I won't say the night will be bad. It's really just another chapter in my life.

~ Tonight, before the ball drops, I'll grab my coat and leave. ~

(Comments on, but screened.)
rjtremor: (RJ by Jess Stonicus)
No comments, my opinions, not trolling for yours, kthx.

So last night I talked to [livejournal.com profile] wolfpac again for the first time in awhile, he pointed out the Megaplex drama to me on Kryphos' LJ and his own, and now it's spread to Wayah's. Looks like drama started when Kryphos posted about wanting to throw a party, ironically the same weekend as MP. Certain furs didn't like the timing and found it insulting. It all went downhill from there. People make their opinions known, people don't like those opinions, enter the explosion of drama #2.

My opinion? If someone doesn't like the con, they are entitled to their opinions and their views. If someone wants to schedule a get-together at the same time as a con, don't take it as an affront.

If Kryphos has his party and you don't like it, go to MP and just ignore it. If Wolfpac doesn't like the con and doesn't wanna go, that's his choice, his opinion, his prerogative. In both instances, deal with it.

Me? I'm going to FC, so I don't CARE about MP. Nyeh nyeh.

By the way... MERRY CHRISTMAS! <=oD
rjtremor: (A moment to smell the roses...)
I am not good with keeping up with friends. I know some are unhappy or hurt or jaded to me because of this, and to them I am sorry. I could go into details, I could go into explainations, but the simple fact is it's a bad habit of mine. I do go quiet, I do get distracted by RL, I do hide, I do have problems with focusing, I don't prioritize well... there are a lot of reasons... simple fact is I'm just too reclusive. Sometimes it even tends to be selective and semi-spacial... I may feel like talking to this many amount of friends, and avoid a BIG group of others. It's never exactly the same. It can suck the worst when I want to talk to someone and no one's around to talk to that I feel I can talk to.

I don't expect forgiveness, I don't expect understanding. I simply say this to clear my soul in a way. I still carry the disappointment, but at least I've said what I feel I needed to say.
rjtremor: (Thoughtful and contemplating)
So what's been going on in my life for the last 6 months, you might(but probably don't) wonder about?

Well, not a whole lot honestly. Plans to visit and later move to California have been continuously put on hold because of life issues here and there(read: folks, money, depression, procrastination, ad nauseum), life down in Tennessee has been alright, just very isolated in the day-to-day life of things. There really isn't any interest in getting to know the locals in town. Instead, I have friends that I go to see once in awhile who live in Nashville and out near Knoxville, respectively, though the cost and the need for my own transportation, along with other factors in my life(read: bills) have forced me to get yet another job at McDonalds, which I start Monday. Personal concerns leave me wondering how that will go, but I'll handle it as long as I can, and I'll put more apps in at other stores in the meantime. Sadly, this town isn't much for jobs right now either... maybe I'll get lucky and Autozone will call me in 2 weeks. I turned an application in, and was told they aren't hiring 'til the 26th, after inventory's done. Here's to hoping.

In other news, it looks as though I'll be going up to Michigan for the August trip. I could be driving back my nephew's truck that he used to have, which got wrecked, and his dad took back, which is now owned by MY dad. It's a '99/'00 S-10, 4cyl with an auto, so it'll be decent on gas but painfully slow. I might get it off my folks, I don't know. It'll help that moving thing a LOT, though, so hey. Speaking of the nephew, who's only a couple years younger than me, it seems he's going to get married... now that family members are getting married that are younger than me, I must say it feels extremely weird, somehow.

And oh yeah... I am now officially a World of Warcraft player. My best, so far, is a 56 Tauren hunter. Of course, because of the fact I've gotten so into this game, I've finally taken to upgrading my computer, though the reason I upgraded in the first place was the fact my old GF2 toasted. At the moment, I'm half-running on my own stuff, half borrowed from a certain 'coon whose own system kinda went kablooey. Mine : ECS KM400 Motherboard, Athlon XP2800+ Mobile, SerialATA150 250gig hard drive. His : GeForce FX5600 256meg video card, 1gig of PC3200 running at 2700 at the moment because that's hwo fast the motherboard will go.

Things I want : )

Plans for the next 6 months or so include but not limited to - going to MI in a few weeks, going to MFM MFF, trip to Cali, buying a car for myself, paying off bills, moving.

Guess that's about it really. *Shrug*

If you wonder by the way, yes I still get online and chat. Just not very often. I've been sporadic with it, but I'm still around here and there. It's just one of those things I guess.


Apr. 8th, 2006 06:38 am
rjtremor: (RJ by Cirrus 2)
If anyone looks for me today through next week, chances are I won't be found unless you see me face to face or if I'm on Yahoo Mobile. I'm off to Michigan and I won't have net access. I have about 3 hours worth of anytime talk time, and text messages are always good. I won't be answering my phone if I'm riding along with the folks, so...

In any case, be good to yourselves and 'til next week, seeeeeee yaaaaa.


Dec. 17th, 2005 11:28 pm
rjtremor: (The fingers)
For anyone wondering how I'm doing and how I'll be doing the next few days, here's a little song list to make the point clear.

1. Metallica - The Shortest Straw
2. Pat Bentar - Invincible
3. Soil - Remember
4. Pet Shop Boys - Birthday Boy
5. Kosheen - Hungry
6. Spineshank - Beginning of the End
7. Rise Against - Paper Wings
8. 4 Strings - Take Me Away(Into The Night)
9. Phantom Planet - Lonely Day
10. Phantom Planet - California
11. Trust Company - Falling Apart
12. Megadeth - 1,000 Times Goodbye
13. The Cure - More Than This
14. My Chemical Romance - I'm Not Okay(I Promise)
15. SR-71 - Goodbye

The ranting. Cut, open for public consumption. )

And there you have... the REST of the story.

Busy busy!

Oct. 10th, 2005 09:57 pm
rjtremor: (Shindou and Nakano on-stage)
Having some fun working on some things tonight before I call a tiger back, finally, after as much as he's tried calling me. n.n I'm going to try and get back on SL at some point and get a decent screenshot to monochrome for a background on my LJ background, gonna change a few of the colors around at some point as well, but my page has been redesigned again, FINALLY, and I know what I'm planning to finish it off with. One other thing I did that I need to re-work and actually use some fresh pictures for is a color bar! But not just any.
Code is here, with the goodie I finally made. *Grin* )

I'm sorry.

Aug. 9th, 2005 08:31 pm
rjtremor: (Doug with a tear)
Why am I posting this? I don't know. Maybe 'cause I know so many and just want anyone who knew him to know of the news, if you haven't already heard. Maybe 'cause I want those who know already to know that I'm sorry and I'm sad right along with you, even if I didn't know him. I haven't said anything because of my not knowing him, but...



All I know is that it hurts.

Tamewolf, Timm Woolfe, Wabbit Californicus, Zay, CherryKee, now Greyson... these are names I'll never forget, even if I knew them or not. Some have hit me hard because I knew them, or knew of them and wished I knew them better, or know others that were close to them. I don't like death. I know it's not the end, and I know it's just another part of life itself, and I know it hurts no less. If I knew what to say... I don't know what I'd say...

*Hugs to everyone hurting and sad tonight*
rjtremor: (Default)
Since Fel mentioned this on his own LJ, I'm gonna do something I'd been thinking about for awhile myself. If you took me off yer friends list, there's a good chance that you're being bumped off by the end of the night. I'm picking and choosing who I take off, because there are those I know who still read my LJ, who don't add friends to their LJ often, or have already stated their reasons for my not being on their lists. There are even those who I care about that have been taken off or are going to be taken off.. that's just the way it goes, I guess. It's nothing personal, really.

rjtremor: (RJ by K-9)
See ya there, if yer there. =o)
rjtremor: (RJ by Neverwench)
It's a rare public post from me, yes. Heh. Just wanted to say something to the friends who have LJ and those who do not. It's come to my attention of the past couple of months(I knew, somewhat, but admittedly didn't truly realize just how much) that my habits of flightiness, my quietness, my reclusiveness has bothered and hurt some people, and I know in my own heart it has, so what I wanna say is I'm sorry. My way of doing things is not meant or supposed to hurt anyone, honestly... it's just how I handle things. If I handle(d) them wrong with you, I'm sorry. I don't expect everyone to forgive me, of course... maybe none, maybe all will... I can't say. I can hope, of course, but who knows. *Simply smiles and shrugs* I may not be great at showing that I care, but I do, you can bank on that. =o)

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